I’ve attempted to write a few posts here since the last time but I always found myself not really committing, either nothing much to say or just motivation fizzling out. This time is different, just because there’s a lot to share and I’m very excited to write it all out as a marker of my progress.
There’s only been a few posts on here, over the nearly 2 years I’ve been posting here. But the first post I ever made was from a completely different place from where I’m at now. That girl was afraid to even call herself ‘she’ and now her friends call her by her name. Her parents know about her, her older brother and her sister in law.
After I told my parents it’s just something opened in me, up until I moved out I was just permanently happy. I didn’t have anything to hide anymore, I didn’t have to stop myself from crying at the dinner table on an otherwise normal day, I looked at my parents and they looked back at me, we conversated over dinner, I asked them about their days. I cared about them, because I knew I wouldn’t have to let go someday. They were going to be around, and I didn’t have to disconnect from them.
~
After I came out to them my mum began doing this funny thing, a switch completely flipped in her head and she was suddenly concerned about me the same way she would be raising her daughter, telling me off for being out late, telling me about all the bad things out there. But she also understood my situation, the one thing that I was so concerned about was her not understanding, but she did this thing where on the card she wrote to me for when I moved out where she disguised my chosen name into it. I’m never getting rid of it. Açiū Mama. Tavo dukritė.
~
I came out to them after I had completely fucked up an interview with the company I currently work at, I was in such an emotional state after realising that the walls were coming down on me, and that I wouldn’t be able to get out of Birmingham anymore. The entire place was rotten and I was destined to stay there until it began to grow onto me. I ended up being given a second chance, but in that emotional state that I’d never be able to get back to those emotions again. It was now or never. So I decided it was now.
I moved to London after I got the job, it’s been an awkward 2 months but I’m finally getting my footing into living alone without tanking all my money in a month. I live in the same house that I lived in 5 years ago, which is a strange feeling. I remember staying over right before I moved and it was like I was 16 again, just staring at the wall. It was the same emotions, the same smells, the same everything. I realised that I’m still the same person as I was back then, nothing confirmed that more than meeting with U.
We met at our “old spot”, she looked the same as she did when I had been manipulated to stop talking to her. It was like nothing happened, there was a moment where we recounted the amount of years that we had known each other and I had mentioned that we should probably take off 3 of them, she looked at me like I was stupid. We just yammered on and on and on, we walked and walked and walked, gossiped, talk about our lives, bought a little designer coat here and there. As one does, and Should to be honest.
I’m at work all the time now, and other than the smoothed over corporate talk and the mainstream political takes that get thrown around now, I’m the same. I go onto my phone, I think of something immature and send it or post it, I keep in my laugh when I find something funny. I don’t feel the need to “grow-up” like I had for a long time, I am a grown up. I have a job, and an age far above the legal drinking limit in every country, but there’s no need for me to be more mature, not laugh at things I find funny. I used to think that I’d grow up at some point, and that if I had come back from the future then I wouldn’t enjoy being around myself, but despite the years of slowly being worn away by the ocean tide, I’ve remained the same person I was before, and this time round I know who I am, and I’m not trying to be someone I’m not.
Anyway that was a few random thoughts and feelings I wanted to just let out. I’m in a good place now. Thanks everyone who read this. I don’t want to retire the website or anything, but the initial reason for it was to plot my progress, and I don’t think there’s much to write about anymore.
Whatever I decide, thanks for staying by me.
-T