Hey, me again.
I’ve been having some trouble with a few things over the last few years, the result of two different big events that have happened, but one of the things that I’ve really been struggling with and that I’m slowly learning (for good) is that everything is fine, and my friends love me.
I’m not diagnosed with anything at all. So anytime I say I’ve “got something”, take it with a grain of salt. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a lot of things but I’ve not got anything official to back that up, I think those who know me, and have known me will agree that my life is dictated by anxiety.
A lot of the decisions that I regret now have been a result of my anxiety, I never ended up living on my own during university because I was anxious about leaving that safety net, as well as anxious that my ex would break up with me. It’s safe to say that she wasn’t a good influence on me.
But as the months have gone by there have been major moments where I’ve had my ups and downs, there have been moments where I’ve been convinced that there’s nothing that I can do currently to make my situation better, and so there isn’t a point in trying. There have been other moments where I try to make my situation better.
There is something to be said about that, I’ve basically convinced myself that the only salvation is moving out and being independent, I’m sure I could’ve lived a lot more comfortably if I was more honest with my parents and put some more effort in. That’s not especially important now because I’m at the tailend of this slump and I’ve already branded this area as irredeemable, that’s also not the point of this post.
I have a job interview and I thought to myself that I’m going to need to prepare for it, not just with what I’m going to answer, but also presenting myself. When I got the interview, I had been growing out my hair for 8 months. The last time I got a haircut was before I graduated, and since then I had been too nervous to go there and get it done. In my mind it was the worst thing I could ever do, and the only times I had gone was when I thought to myself I can’t let people see me like this. Before my graduation I hadn’t cut my hair for over a year and it looked like shit.
I had a lot of time before the interview so I made a small plan, get new glasses because my old ones were scratched to shit and get my hair cut. If I scheduled something then I would need to go to it no matter what, that’s just how my brain works I guess. I only scheduled the eye test and on the day of the test I had this insane pit in my stomach and I almost couldn’t leave the house, but in my head I also couldn’t miss it. I went and it was fine. Of course it was fine, it was an eye test. I just had to get over that cliff of anxiety that had built up and just do it.
I intentionally didn’t schedule my haircut too, the place I go to doesn’t have an appointment thing to my knowledge. But I knew that if I went to go for the eye test then I’d get over that cliff of anxiety and ride it out past that.
I had bought some stuff I wanted to bring home before the hairdressers and I was concerned that if I dropped it all off then I’d be back into the comfort of my home, and I wouldn’t go and do what I needed to do, but I still did. I told my mum that I would and she said something along the lines of “yeah do it while you can”.
When I went to the hairdressers the guy that’s usually there wasn’t there, but it was fine. I was relaxed, I was there like anyone else. There’s nothing notable about me other than maybe my long hair, but I was at the barber’s so it made sense I was there. 😭 The guy arrives from an errand, instantly recognises me and we have a great exchange, he teases me a tiny bit about the last time I had a haircut and I reply with something joking back. We don’t chat for the rest of it, but I didn’t feel that awkward or anything. I was happy.
That’s when it sort of rung in my head, “It’s all Love”. I haven’t spoken to him in a long time, I was incredibly nervous about going there and him thinking “Oh it’s this fucking guy again, never cuts his hair until it’s necessary.”, but I went and it was fine.
I realised that this also applies to people I haven’t spoken to for a long time too, I had two extremely close friends that I had reconnected with after years of not speaking to them (my fault, not theirs), and I’ve been extremely nervous about reaching out again. To be honest I’m still nervous about reaching out to them, I think it’s just we all used to be close and I don’t want them to think that I’m trying to “make-up” for lost time like a shitty parent. I understand things won’t be the same as they were. I’m definitely overthinking this, but I think I just need to take that leap.
Another person I’ve been extremely nervous to speak to I actually reached out to today. I don’t have a reason for being nervous in this case, I just can never find a “good reason” to text them and today I found one. It highlights another issue I’ve got which is that I feel the need to have a reason to talk to someone over text, when I’m sure that anyone I message is happy to talk.
I think it’s just a reflection of myself, sometimes I’m not a great person to talk to. I have a limited social battery on conversations that seem to live in that liquid state of getting to know someone, and sometimes when I reach out to my friends it can feel like that, but I have to stop telling myself that my own friends don’t want to speak to me.
I’m honestly not in any position to give any advice seeing the state I’m in, but if you’re in a similar position to me then just text them, give them a call. They’re your friends. It’s all love from both sides of the conversation. The worst that can happen is they’re busy and they’ll chat to you later.
I think this is the first step to getting myself out of this hole I’ve dug for myself, and hopefully I can set up systems to be less anxious and more social, and after a while those systems won’t be necessary because I’ll be able to just do something. Even in the event that this anxiety I feel before something never leaves me, I’ll be able to know that in any situation it’s irrational because in every other situation things have gone well.
I’m looking forward to the next few months, I still have this job interview to tackle and a lot rests on it but I think I’ll be able to deal with whatever comes.
-T