In 2 days, it’s gonna be the 2 year anniversary of when I found out I’m transgender.

I wish I had made this website (or something similar) to document my experiences or thoughts at that time, but I had made a sort of joke post on my private instagram that was just a picture of breadcrumbs with the caption “TODAY I KNOW”. Intentionally vague so that my followers who I didn’t want knowing don’t understand what’s about to happen, since there are still people in my family following that account.

I really never thought I’d get to this point. I haven’t ordered any hormones yet but I’ve began the process of buying stuff that I need in preparation, you know, Lockbox to hide my pills, pill cutter, hormone test. I got a call from my brother earlier telling me that he was coming over today all the way from London as a surprise which I’m just realising might be tricky if I’m trying to hide shit from him, but if you know me then you already know I’ve got justifications for everything that I’ve bought so it’s not an issue. There might turn out to be an issue where I can’t fit as many pills at once into it as I want but, that shouldn’t be an issue. The thing about DIY HRT is that there’s a lot of menial admin tasks that are involved, figuring out dosages, the best price per pill, recording things. It’s one of those things that you plot on a spreadsheet, and I really enjoy that. So right now I’ve sort of taken the advice of a few websites that I’ve found, but I know that as time goes on I’ll understand more, optimise a bit more, the same way that you do when you’re playing some random factory building game or whatever else.

The bigger issue is still coming out, I think my parents will be okay with it, but I have a few members of my extended family that won’t be happy about it. The biggest issue in my current life is my brother, there’s a possibility that I go to London to live with him in the future and he’s a huge transphobe. Other than that link that, to be honest I’m thinking of breaking off as soon as it’s convenient, I’ve basically cut off or silently faded from all the other people in my life that are judgemental of my decision. The way I’ve gone about this is very careful, trying to minimise any harm done to myself because I really hate confrontation or negativity, but it’s going to come up eventually, either when someone realises I’m transgender, at the point when I don’t pass or whatever other situation I can’t think of right now. That’s incredibly stressful especially now that I’ve actually began to do this, even now my heart’s beating faster, but I think that I’ve got a tendency to overthink and over-react.

I really wonder if in the future I’ll do the same as what I do now in those situations where someone is arguing about transgender rights, just sit silently and nod along. I guess I wouldn’t be able to do that if someone has an issue with me directly, but I think there’ll be very little situations where that would happen. It will be interesting to look back on this and see how I am in the future.

Concerning the HRT itself, I realise that it would be a lot more effective if I had done it while I was younger and my body still developing, but back when I was 16/17 that was not possible. I had totally suspended thinking about myself or my identity because my girlfriend at the time had basically given me all of that. She had a plan for her life, and I was just following that mindlessly. But you know it’s not that bad, I’ll need to pay for stuff like laser hair removal, I’ll probably still need to shave my face and everything like that, it’s all things that can be addressed and I’m not going to dwell on “what could have been”, if I didn’t go through everything that went on then I wouldn’t be the person that I am, and I like the person that I am now. It’s not like 22 is some awful old age to start HRT (or anything for that matter 😭) so I’m perfectly fine with my choice.

I will say that going into all of the websites, looking at prices, buying stuff. It’s all been very stressful to do with Tor and Monero, I had to sign up to a fucking cryptocurrency exchanges which is really funny. But I feel like if I make the wrong step or move then the government is going to bust down my door, which of course they aren’t because everything I’m doing is legal, but I’d like to take some precautions in case tomorrow Keir Starmer’s hate boner for trans people gets even harder and he tells everyone to gun them down in the street. Obviously not that intense, but it’s not like I’ve got no reason to be paranoid.

Anyway apologise for the rambly post, if you can’t tell I’ve got swaths of excitedness and stress running through me. Just know that I’m doing well and the day that you can start really calling me Tamara is approaching faster. :)

Thanks again for reading this mess. -T