Hey.

I’ve been wanting to make an update to this site for a while now, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to write. The only other posts on here were about my time in Brighton and I felt the need to keep that up, only really have the blog for when I do things or when something happens. But I realise that’s way too restrictive for me, especially when my life right now isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

I know I haven’t been very talkative with a lot of you, I still consider a lot of you my close friends even if we haven’t spoken or caught up in a while. I’ve just had an incredible amount of anxiety about speaking to old friends, I hate that awkward back and forth after months or years of not speaking to someone and I feel like sometimes I’ll overstep a line where I share something that would’ve otherwise been okay, but because of that amount of time it feels like someone you’ve become friends with a week ago oversharing about their lives.

The last few years of my life haven’t been great, and during those years I’ve been sorely focused on just getting through the mud. I sort of regret doing that now with hindsight, I had it in my head that I should just keep swimming through university even if I hated every other aspect of my life and where I live. I should have just quit at some point, found another university that would have taken me and moved off to live in student accomodation, found a placement too while I was at university, but it’s too late to do that now. I’m stuck with the decisions that I made and with the impacts that it’s had on me.

I’m not usually someone who believes in the whole “new years, new me” type thing. A lot of it is just bullshit, but this is probably the first year where I have to be responsible for what I do, I can’t just tell myself “to get through university”. There are still things preventing me from doing all the things I want to do, but I’m directly responsible now for making sure those things are done and it’s kind of scary.

If you don’t already know then I’m transgender. I think I’m genderfluid, meaning that I’ll switch from appearing more masculine and feminine, but I’m not sure at this point. For those of you who know my parents I would appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to them, or to anyone that would tell them, I want to tell them on my own time. Consider it a secret, I’m still my old name to you all right now, but know that things will be different moving forward.

I hope that none of the people I trust with reading this have an issue with that, if that’s the case then I don’t think we can continue our relationship.

On the topic of “unable to do things”, transitioning is one of them. I don’t know how my parents will react to knowing this information, and I think I’ll keep it to myself and the people I trust until I can move out and be independent of them, which has been a difficult process. I’m not gonna ramble on about all my past issues right now but currently my number one priority right now is becoming independent, which hasn’t been a fun process. I’ve been struggling to get a job for a few months now since I don’t really have any experience, and the process of job finding has become this extremely difficult task that I dread doing everytime I tell myself I have to, seeing all the job listings that I’ve previously applied to or been denied from still sitting available on job sites hasn’t been great for my mental.

There are so many things I would like to do though. My entire life I’ve been living it to please people, prevent any type of conflict that would get me involved, and I think once I’ve gotten to the point where I live on my own accord then I’ll have properly started my real life. I’m looking forward to meeting everyone again as that new person, I think you’ll really like her.

If you would like to talk about any of this, or just generally catch up, whether that’s through a conversation or meeting up then let me know. I’ve got all the time in the world right now, it would be a waste to not use it!

I hope to update this blog more regularly so look out for a story or something. I’ve been wanting to move away from Instagram since they’ve began to make changes to their treatment of trans people, so if you want updates then I’ve got a BlueSky too.

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.

-T