Going to Brighton wasn’t a leap this time, it was like I belonged there. I wasn’t scared of travelling the 3 hour journey there, or the almost 5 hour journey back.
Anyway I went over to my friends house and first thing I thought was that it had such a similar vibe to my old house that I lived in as a kid, the door just led up to staircase where the house was. One of the neighbours had a bush of Fuchsia Magellanica (Lady’s Eardrops) which was the exact same flowers that my neighbours as a kid had, and I remember always being so fascinated with them. The vibe of the house, the street, everything about it just seemed so familiar, even though I hadn’t gone down that road in my entire life.
There are two things that I’ve been thinking about since I left, but I’ll only talk about one because I don’t want anybody to find this. To anyone reading this who’s curious, you’ll find out soon enough what the second thing is.
That thing is that I might have autism, I met somebody the first day who I got along with really well and we began talking and she mentioned that she has autism and I replied with “Oh I think I might have it, but I’m not sure”, and it was really funny because she suspected I had it and I thought “ahh well, I probably won’t know until I have a diagnosis”. She then proceeded to tell me about things that autistic people do and I swear to god it was like she was inside my head reading out my thoughts and it just hit me like a truck. I’ve had a few friends over the years who have had autism and I get incredibly well with them, but it never occured to me that it might be because I’m autistic, but rather because we always shared some sort of interest.
It’s so funny to think of my younger self saying “Oh! I have autistic friends that I find very easy to speak to but I don’t have autism.”
Either way I don’t have a diagnosis, so I won’t know for sure whether I have it or if it’s just my brain making connections that aren’t there, I won’t know for sure until I get that diagnosis.
On another note, the entire trip I was just happy. It wasn’t an exciting new thing like last time but it just felt so right. I felt like I was in a place where I belonged, where everyone didn’t stare and judge. It was so freeing to just be able to walk everywhere too, get stuff from bakeries (I didn’t do that but I wish I did), go to the market, go shopping for clothes. Everything just feels better in Brighton. Even the stress of a looming deadline for my dissertation proposal felt better in Brighton, I wasn’t in my own head forcing myself to do work, I was able to sit down and calmly start with it. My mental was just in such a better place just by being around friends.
Last time I came back to Birmingham I had a horrible time, I had such a pit in my stomach for so long afterwards and I couldn’t think straight without just feeling incredibly sad (if you want more details about my suffering you can read the previous post). But this time I was just happy for a few days after, I got off the train tired as fuck after 5 hours of travelling into my dad’s car and I just started chatting to him in a good mood. Usually when I come back from a trip I already miss it and have feelings of “I’m in a prison cell” when I get home, but I was so excited to just talk. The next day too I felt realy happy, it was like I just got a kickstart to my dopamine and everything was suddenly good, I still feel that way now even if it’s worn off some.
I remember turning to my friend and telling her “We all must come back to our real lives at some point”, I’ve been thinking about my life next year when I’m planning to move to Brighton. I think I’ll genuinely be happier, not just the place but the freedom of doing whatever I want. In Brighton I’ll be able to appreciate my own company a lot more, because right now I’m just stuck at home and I really don’t enjoy anyone’s company where I’m living now. I think in Brighton I’ll have another issue of not being able to have time for myself but that’s a lot better and easier to manage than the shit I’m in right now.
-T