This is a bit weird because I’m writing this a month and a half after this actually happened. I only had the idea to do this after this trip 😭, but here we are.
It’s funny that this trip happened just after an idea me and W had, I remember I was gonna go to London in May, then Bristol, then Brighton. Bristol never ended up happening but I bought the ticket for Brighton feeling incredibly nervous and arriving there, meeting with W then with her friends was such a breath of fresh air. Bit nervous to begin with bsut a few hours in everything just started feeling natural.
For the first time in my life I had gone out clubbing with the people, I really enjoyed myself but I was tired and deaf after it, definitely more of a rare occurance if I do it in the future but I just remember being incredibly nervous beforehand and just trusting and going ahead with the rest of the group. I’m glad I trusted them because I had an incredible night, it might seem weird but I think my favourite part in the club was when I had completely run out of energy and was sat cross-legged on the floor of the terrace. I don’t think I had felt tranquility like that in so long. The day after I woke up with bruises and bites on my lip from the anxiety, but overall amazing night.
Going star-gazing I think was my favourite moment of the entire trip, I was anxious going there because I don’t really stay out at night that much, but when we got to the place we just hung out and took pictures. It was just the perfect little thing, wasn’t super planned out of anything. Even if it wasn’t that crazy or eventful I still felt like it was a special moment for me, I think I love going out in the dark when everybody is asleep and exploring/hanging out the abandoned streets, something eerie but real about it.
I remember waking up on the third day feeling something wrong, I woke up early so I had to wait for W to wake up as well and I had just plugged in my headphones and started listening to music, I wasn’t really thinking of much and then it all sort of hits me that I’m supposed to be going tomorrow and it just made me feel awful. I remember thinking it was like I’m going back to a prison cell where I live and I cried to myself in silence, my friend had woken up after it was done and she asked me if I was alright. I just shook my head and everything started again, thankfully she was there to comfort me again and made me feel better by sort of assembling everyone together and doing something together. I’m very thankful for that, the day after when I was getting ready to leave the feeling wasn’t as bad.
I remember coming back home and just not saying a word to anyone, I was incredibly tired but also I just couldn’t deal with the fact I was back to my normal life again, it’s like this place just saps everything out of me, and I felt incredibly awful for the next few days, to the point where I was making incredibly stupid mistakes in a driving lesson I had 3 days later. I think taking that leap and going to Brighton to hang out with a good friend and her friends that I don’t know all that well was the one thing I needed. It’s helped me a lot with realising not only what I need, but where I want to go and what I want to do after everything’s over.
I still have a lot to do in terms of finding how who I am. I feel like the last few years haven’t been about who I am but rather serving somebody else, and I’m definitely late to the party for so many things, as well as just never took some of the opportunities that were given to me. I’m hoping that this final year living in this prison will at least help me develop somewhat, and then I can finally go and do things on my own terms. It’s a long time coming.
Thanks for reading.
-T